Sunday, July 27, 2014

That Moment...

      Today I experienced a serious break through in myself, one that I have held very safe for a very long time. A little under 3 years ago I had a very debilitating injury to my left temporal lobe. It left me unconscious at the time of the incident, forced me into months of recovery, pushed me to a breaking point with the people I love and also created a wall around my ability to trust myself and my horse in the saddle again. It took me months to get back to the barn in the beginning, more months after that to get back into the saddle... And even though I went "back to normal" after some time; there was a big part of my confidence that never came back. I was always very cautious getting into the saddle of any horse, which tends to be very difficult to explain to people when you are being paid to train their horses, but even more so I was convinced I would never feel myself again. I would never feel safe, never feel courageous to try something new, something fun.

      But today I felt that again. It sparked out of my chest and engulfed my entire being. I felt as though I could fly anywhere, and I didn't worry about getting hurt, I didn't fear, I didn't fret. I just felt those powerful legs beneath me and let go.

      I owe this feeling to two very important horses in my life. My forever love and first horse Johnny, and my Mum's rescue horse Spirit. My fall was off of Johnny, before I had even decided to buy him. And at 16.3hh he has made me very nervous to mount since then, until today. Though my fall was entirely my fault and I never blamed any of my pains on him; the memory was always so real and the sharp pain in my left forehead was nauseating. But through it all he has never let me down for a second. He has always gotten back up and faced the world with me. For his endless patience and deepest soul; I am so grateful.
      Spirit was the last piece of the puzzle for my breaking through, for my courage to meet up with me again in understanding. Spirit scared the living daylights out of me the first time I worked with him, he charged, kicked and reared and made me feel so insignificant as a horse trainer.. I thought I would fail from that point on. But with some guidance from my mentor, and then being left to my own thoughts with him. He helped me prove to myself that I am capable. And beyond capable, I achieved something I never thought I would. I got on him, without any fear. I have put off his starting under saddle for months and months because every time I knew he was ready; my stomach would turn and I would make myself sick thinking of the battle we may have. I didn't want to get on him and scare him and then not know what to do. I needed to be everything I could for him, so he would have the best experience possible.
      He helped me find that courage because he trusts me. After a year in our care, in our love, in our embrace; he stepped away from his aggression and came to me. He burst through the cage of his own fear, and taught me how to do the same. So today when I stepped into the saddle, I didn't feel fear. I felt connection. We became a team. If he was going to trust me so heavily, I was going to return that favour. I promised to keep him safe if he promised to keep me safe. And that's how we went. Safe. Together.

      With this feeling in my bones, that break through all around me. I decided to try my first attempt at a bridleless lesson with Johnny. And in that moment, that break through.. When I let go of my reins and asked Johnny to keep me safe... He did. He lifted up and sat back and away we went.

I promised to keep him safe, I promised to keep this feeling alive again.. to feel like myself again. And to never second guess him again. I would always let go and enjoy the ride.

      With everything coming our way in the very near future, I can say with no word of a doubt.. That I am back. And I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for us!

Much love with your own break throughs, take every moment you can get, and as always.. keep on keepin' on!

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